In recent years, the concepts of self-care and self-love have become buzzwords in the wellness world. Social media is awash with mantras that urge us to "put ourselves first," "fill our own cups," and "focus on self-love." The message is clear: to thrive, we must invest in ourselves. While there is undeniable value in nurturing our own well-being, we must ask ourselves—is this truly how we are meant to cope? Are we missing something essential by framing healing as an individualistic endeavor? This blog aims to unravel the paradox of self-care and self-love in a world where the notion of "self" is increasingly promoted as separate from the collective whole.
The Modern Push for Self-Sufficiency
The modern world often champions self-sufficiency as the ultimate goal. We are encouraged to "figure it out" on our own—to build resilience, cultivate self-love, and practice self-care as solitary pursuits. However, what is the "self" in self-care? Is it merely an isolated entity, or does it exist in relation to others? When we disconnect self-love from the broader social context, we risk reducing it to a mere checklist of activities that, while beneficial, may not lead to the profound healing we seek.
The Limitations of Self-Care as a Coping Mechanism
Self-care practices like meditation, exercise, and journaling can undoubtedly help us manage stress and maintain mental health. But do these practices address the deeper need for connection, empathy, and support from others? Research shows that strong social connections can significantly impact mental and physical health. A meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad et al. (2010) found that strong social relationships improve the likelihood of survival by 50%, underscoring that our connections with others are just as crucial for our health as other well-known risk factors like smoking and obesity1. In focusing solely on the self, are we inadvertently creating silos that keep us apart?
The Concept of the "Self" and Interconnectedness
To explore this further, we must deconstruct the concept of the "self." In many cultures and philosophies, the self is not seen as a standalone entity but rather as something that is always in relation to others. The Western emphasis on individuality and autonomy, while valuable in its own right, can sometimes obscure the reality that humans are inherently relational beings. Studies have shown that extreme individualism, often emphasized in Western cultures, can sometimes lead to increased anxiety, loneliness, and depression due to the pressure to be self-reliant and independent 2.
The Role of Community in Healing and Growth
Historically, healing and growth were communal activities. In many traditional societies, the community played a vital role in supporting individuals through life’s challenges. Rituals, shared practices, and collective belief systems offered a sense of belonging and purpose that helped individuals cope with adversity. The research by Ungar (2011) discusses how resilience is not just an individual trait but is deeply influenced by social and community factors, suggesting that communal support is crucial for fostering resilience 3. With the decline of organized religion and the blurring of cultural identities in modern times, we have seen a gradual dismantling of these communal structures. As a result, we may feel disconnected, alienated, and left to navigate life’s challenges alone.
Have We Moved Too Far Away from Community?
As we lean into self-care and self-love, it is crucial to consider whether we have moved too far away from the concept of community care. Research indicates that social capital—defined as the resources available to individuals through their social networks—has a positive impact on mental health. Social support networks, trust, and engagement in community activities are vital for mental health, providing strong evidence for the value of community-based support systems4. While prioritizing oneself is not inherently harmful, it can become problematic if it comes at the expense of meaningful connections with others. How can we strike a balance between nurturing ourselves and fostering a sense of togetherness? Can self-love truly exist without the love and support of others?
Reimagining Self-Care: From Self-Sufficiency to Interdependence
Perhaps, instead of viewing self-care and self-love as solitary pursuits, we can begin to reimagine them as relational practices. What would it look like to practice self-care within the context of a community? How might we approach self-love as something that is cultivated through our connections with others? Deci and Ryan's Self-Determination Theory (SDT) posits that relatedness, or the need to feel connected to others, is a fundamental aspect of human motivation and well-being 5. True self-care might involve recognizing our needs for both autonomy and interdependence, and allowing space for vulnerability, empathy, and support from others.
As we continue to explore what it means to live well and care for ourselves, it is vital to challenge the notion that self-care and self-love must happen in isolation. We are not meant to operate in silos. Our well-being is deeply intertwined with the well-being of those around us. Perhaps, instead of asking how we can better love ourselves, we should ask how we can better love each other. In doing so, we may find that true healing lies not in separation, but in connection.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. ↩
Chirkov, V., Ryan, R. M., Kim, Y., & Kaplan, U. (2003). Differentiating Autonomy From Individualism and Independence: A Self-Determination Theory Perspective on Internalization of Cultural Orientations and Well-Being. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 34(6), 725-755. ↩
Ungar, M. (2011). The Social Ecology of Resilience: Addressing Contextual and Cultural Ambiguity of a Nascent Construct. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 81(1), 1-17. ↩
Kawachi, I., & Berkman, L. F. (2001). Social Ties and Mental Health. Journal of Urban Health, 78(3), 458-467. ↩
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "What" and "Why" of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268. ↩
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